It was going so well...what happened??

There seems to be a new phenomenon of late whereby a first date seems to go extremely well and may well lead on to a second date and then all of a sudden it's over. Why would this happen when everything seemed so right? The chemistry was there, shared interests and the kissing was good too so what happened? I wish I had an answer to this one as it has happened to me a couple of times and each time it has left me pondering how many different variables are involved in making a successful relationship. I do however have some theories that may at least ease the pain of the rejection.

Firstly, people are complicated when it comes to issues of the heart and to the most part we have spent many years cultivating in our heads just what our ideal partner would be. These expectations we have of people can put an enormous strain on a forming relationship and it is important to give people a little leeway. Understandably, people do make allowances for failed expectations however the truth is that a little too much wine can lower our expectations a little too much and make us act in a way that is not true to our real feelings. It's only when the date is over and the effects of alcohol subside do we realize that the person really isn't suitable at all.

Secondly, most people have some sort of emotional baggage whether that takes the form of an unresolved previous relationship or emotional fear of becoming attached again. I have often wished that people could be more up front about any concerns like this but often they are not and unfortunately, people find it easier to lie themselves out of a difficult emotional situation.

Thirdly, an old boyfriend or girlfriend wants them back and your date was in a sense using you to see if they are up to starting another relationship or not. This situation is probably the worst as you will find it extremely difficult to compete with someone your date has history with. On old partner will not require all the time and effort involved in starting again and represents a comfortable way out of the dating scene.

Finally, and possibly the most difficult to swallow is that perhaps you were just too keen and got a little carried away. It's such a hard balancing act to do, knowing when the time is right to open up your emotions to someone and yet be sure that you're not making yourself too vulnerable. It's even harder when all the signals are telling you that it's ok to be swept away, especially if the date has taken on quite an intimate nature.

So what can you do now? The most sensible thing you can do is to reflect on what has happened and file it away in your experience drawer in the safe knowledge that you are that much wiser on the dating scene. Take it slower next time and don't be too quick to allow yourself to fall. Be sure the signs are right and trust your instincts. If there is a niggling doubt in your mind about something, generally there is something wrong and it's only the ecstasy of falling in love that is preventing you from facing it.

Being in love online - A Practical Guide

More and more people these days are finding love online be it due to time constraints, unsociable working hours or simply the death of the community, but one thing is for sure, this is the fastest growing way to meet potential partners, however it has it's pitfalls. Whilst online dating agencies may offer a quick way to meeting these partners, Instant Messaging using programs such as ICQ, MSN, or Odigo offer a lightning speed way of getting very intimate, very quickly. It is so quick because you can be just who you want to be when you are chatting online, no one will see you blush if you say something wrong and most importantly, it allows you to take risks that you would never dream of taking in the real world. The most powerful aspect of this all though is that we paint our own picture in our minds of what the other person is without all those non-verbal cues such as facial expressions and mannerisms that subconsciously in the real world tell us valuable things about the person. In short, with our own beautifully created perception of the person, fall for them. So why do we as intelligent human beings end up falling for people we have never even met before? The answer is simplewe want to be in love, we so want to tell ourselves that the searching for our soul mate is over and with that we picture our lives in a blissful sea of coupledom, sharing our lives together. Sadly it is this haste to end our single lives that can lead to disappointment as quickly as it started.

Meeting Your online love for the first time

Sooner or later the question of actually meeting in person will come up and whilst many people would say it's better to take your time and let the online relationship develop, I strongly believe that the sooner you do it, the better. If you leave it too long, then the impression you have built up of this person will be so deep rooted that your expectations will be far too high and you will be set for disappointment. The other point is if you have been a lot more confident chatting than you would be in real life, how are you going to be able to keep up that persona? You may end up competing with yourself. So assuming that you are both happy with the length of time the romance has been going on for and you decide to meet, what will it be like? It will be quite strange to begin with. You may find that although you have been up most nights until 5 in the morning chatting, you find it hard to talk about things in the flesh. This is perfectly natural as the two of you are having to almost re-learn the parameters of the relationship and digest the visual cues that our mannerisms and facial expressions provide. It will be a nerve racking time as we have to decide there and then if these mannerisms and even physical odours are compatible with us. If you can pass that first test, then things get a lot easier. Do however be very careful if you are traveling abroad to meet someone because if things fail at this first hurdle, then you are totally stuck on your own in a foreign country.

Passed first base, what next?

Having gone through this initial nerve racking first meeting, there is often a huge temptation to revert back to an 'online relationship' as it feels so much more comfortable, but I cannot stress enough to resist that temptation. Slip back into the old online chatting routine and the online persona won't die. The transition from online to offline relationship can be extremely difficult but at all costs, you must get to know the real person from a new offline perspective and kill off any false impressions you may have had about them online. Going back to the online chatting routine may make you feel all warm and fuzzy again, but it can be an unrealistic perception of who the person really is.

In Summary

This all may seem a little negative and in some cases may not even apply, but overall, forewarned is forearmed. There are of course many people who have made a success of their relationship by Instant Messaging and some are even married now but it really pays to be aware of how feelings can be distorted by the shield of an anonymous nickname and a computer monitor.

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